3-21-18 I'm Faking It, and It's Fine
At the beginning of the month I was supposed to go to a talk by Beatrix Ost to talk about Self-Love in fashion and art "and the pivotal role it plays in establishing a successful business".
I didn't go.
I spent that night crying and eating Velveeta mac n cheese because I was so stressed about conceptual ambiguity and how many directions I can go in - I was frozen at the figurative fork. And you know what? That was my self care. I couldn't go in front a bunch of people I didn't know, taking notes on how love plays a role in my business. I needed to feel the sludgy cheesey love. Below = Me.
Lately a lot of things have been up in the air for me. Peter and I are trying to move over to the UK and my Visa keeps getting [insert excuse for it not going through here]. I had already packed half my stuff and I haven't taken a vacation in a year because I thought we'd be moving in January and could take lots of trips then. But that's not what happened, and I couldn't leave while I was in the middle of my application, and I started resenting my half packed apartment. So I couldn't leave, I wasn't re-arranging furniture or getting anything new for myself, because what's the point? I'd be moving soon and I should save the money for the move, and I can buy new things over there. Right? I can just wait?
No. Velveeta told me I needed to unpack a box, I needed to re-arrange some furniture, and I needed to get out of the city. By Velveeta I mean my extremely patient friends and lovely supportive husband, of course. I unpacked some posters. I bought frames. I hung some pictures myself. I took a little bit of control over my space.
We also booked a little vacation. Credit card be damned! ...But not really. I've started looking after my finances in spreadsheets after I realized it's unfair for me to create itemized spending and income reports for my business and not keep track of my own personal spending when I have the skills.
There. Right there. That's the disconnect. My friend sent me a picture of two cats that Andy Warhol had sketched. She said "this is your Queen Stitch Instagram, and this is you in real life" How about you just guess which is which.
I've spoken before about keeping a firm line between my business and personal life. And also how I think of myself as a designer more than a blogger. However, obviously this is a blog post, so I do recognize a gray area of overlap. I write about my experiences as a designer and how it pertains to my business. However, while my experiences influence my designs, my business also has an effect on my personal life. Sometimes it's good - like teaching me that spending reports are a good thing and help make predictions and choices for the future. Sometimes it's bad - where I put all my effort into a beautiful patterns, instagrams, and cheerful voice, when on the other side of the screen I'm forgoing my self care, sleep, and sometimes other things to get the perfect picture or pattern.
What I look like editing:
@debrossenyc recently posted about if you have 8 things you need to do, and you can only pick one, what do you choose? But I'm over here wondering if you've only done one - is that a failure in itself? Takeaway being, no, just set yourself some expectations.
I am still not going to share pictures of my apartment on my website or instagram. You'll never see me without make up (unless it's a really good angle and well lit photo, and even then there'll be filters). My personal life continues to NOT be what my brand and designs are about....but they be a little less separate than I thought I wanted.
The past week or two have been one of the most productive designing weeks so far. When you break down the ideas of what you should be, or should be doing, there's a lot less clutter, a lot cleaner of a work space. I have so so many things I want to try, so many things I'm excited about. So many ideas for the next steps of the Queen Stitch. The Queen Stitch is a space I always feel I have control over. That's one of the most terrifying and fulfilling aspects of a small business. I am always in control, which is very unlike real life. and that's not bad, but it is important to recognize.
Fake it til you make it, baby.